Monthly Archives: March 2009

Mid-life Transition: Or ‘The painful process of maturing?’

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by Steve Myers
This article describes the process of mid-life transition – sometimes called ‘mid-life crisis’ – through the eyes of Myers Briggs. The page assumes that the reader has a good knowledge of the Myers Briggs model of personality.
‘Mid-life transition’ is something that happens to many of us at some point during our lives (usually, at about 40, give or take 20 years). It is a natural process (first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung) and it is a normal part of ‘maturing’.

However, it can feel very uncomfortable, and you can experience a wide range of feelings whilst it is happening, such as:

Discontent with life and/or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years
Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and dominated your life
Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different
Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before
Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going.
These feelings at mid-life can occur naturally, or result from some significant loss or change – such as the death of a parent, redundancy or divorce. Coming to terms with such loss or change can be difficult enough, but when it is complicated by ‘mid-life transition’, the process can seem bewildering and overwhelming.

It can be very helpful, in the midst of this confusion, to understand a bit more about the process. This enables you to see your way more clearly out of the confusion, and help avoid making any rash decisions that you might regret at a later date. This web page aims to give you a brief overview of that process, particularly from a Myers Briggs point of view.

Accommodation

The Myers Briggs model assumes that our preferences are innate – they are with us from birth and not influenced by the environment. What is influenced by the environment is our behaviour and our perception of ourselves. These are influenced by many factors, such as parents, siblings, other children at nursery school, television, the surroundings to our early childhood, etc..

As young children, eager to please, we adapt to those around us, in order to be accepted by them. Our behaviour and perception of ourselves is therefore modified in order to ‘fit in’ with the various social situations in which we find ourselves. This process, which Jung called ‘Accommodation’, results in us presenting ourselves as different people in different situations, called ‘personae’. As in Greek tragedy, we put on a mask to demonstrate to others how we think we are feeling inside.

Sometimes, the way in which we ‘accommodate’ to others is different to our true preferences. As an example: suppose a child born with introvert preferences finds that she has to be very extrovert in order to get the love and attention that she needs as a young child. As she grows into adulthood, she continues to act like an extrovert, and believes that she is an extrovert. The real preference for introversion is not recognised. There can also be cultural, social or environmental pressure to behave in certain ways, and these create a “tug o’ war” with our self-perceptions. An example is shown in the diagram. In this case, the pressures, and therefore his personae, may lean so heavily towards introversion that he may believe that he is an introvert, whilst his real preference is for extroversion.

It can sometimes take a lot of energy to maintain these personae if they are in conflict with our true preferences. Jung spent much of his life counselling people who had ‘accommodated’ to become people different to their inner preferences. For these people, mid-life transition can sometimes be a difficult and painful process.

Sometimes there is little difference between our ‘true selves’ and the personae we present to others. Such people may find mid life transition a less difficult process than those individuals whose personae and inner self are quite different.

Separation

The first stage of mid-life involves a questioning of the personae presented to others in the first 30/40/50 years of life.

Think of a persona as a mask, and recognise that different masks are worn in different situations. In separation, one takes off the masks and looks at them, asking questions such as:

Who is the person underneath the mask?
Are these masks appropriate?
Do they show others what I am really like, or do they present a false picture?
Do they show me what I am really like?
What am I like?
In Myers Briggs terms, this might involve questioning one’s personality type. For example, an extrovert who is aware of his type might ask:

Am I really an extrovert?
Is my extrovert behaviour a reflection of my own preferences?
Am I acting like an extrovert because that is what my parents or everyone else expect (or have expected) me to do?
The questioning of the personae leads to a large degree of uncertainty – a psychological ‘no-man’s land’. The old personae have been rejected, perhaps only temporarily, but no new personae have been put in their place. One can therefore feel:

uncertain about ‘who I am’
lacking in direction, and unsure how to go forward
apprehensive about making rash, life-changing decisions
fearful about whether this uncertainty is ever going to end
In Myers Briggs terms, the individual may be unsure about his/her type, and seek views and feedback from sources outside of him/her self.

Reintegration

Eventually, the uncertainty lessens, new personae are adopted (usually, more in harmony with what is happening ‘within’) and what remains uncertain feels quite comfortable (or even an essential part of living). During reintegration, one:

develops a better understanding of ‘who I am’
adopts appropriate personae and roles, and re-assesses them on an ongoing basis
retains some sense of liminality (uncertainty)
becomes more comfortable with oneself and others being the way they are
In Myers Briggs terms, the person may finally discover his/her ‘true type’, and be comfortable that it is a genuine reflection of inner preferences.

Individuation

The final stage in the process is one of recognising and integrating the conflicts that exist within us, and achieving a balance between them. Examples of such conflicts include:

accepting the authority of others – vs – taking authority over our own lives
presenting personae to the world – vs – acting, thinking and speaking in harmony with the inner self
meeting the demands of others – vs – meeting our own inner needs
Acknowledging our ‘shadows’* – vs – living up to our ideals
* The shadow consists of those aspects of our personality (usually negative) that we find unacceptable – we push them out of our own consciousness and ‘project’ them onto others.

Individuation is a process that leads to a more mature, balanced, ’rounded’ person. In Myers Briggs terms, this may mean developing the aspects of personality that are opposite to one’s preferences. For example, an INTJ, who has pursued an interest in a scientific career, may start to develop interest in ESFP-type activities. This might involve:

enjoying relationships for their own sake, rather than in joint pursuit of some scientific objective
taking up sporting pursuits simply to enjoy them, without feeling the need to develop ever greater skill and competence
spending more time with the family and enjoying life with the children or grandchildren.
developing a much greater appreciation for people, despite their lack of competence or intellectual ability.
Individual experience

The process is not a strict ‘sequence of events’ as described above. The steps (of accommodation, separation, liminality, reintegration and individuation) provide a framework to explain mid-life transition, but not a rule to be followed. Although there may be common themes, not all themes have to be true of all people. Each person’s experience is different. For example:

The stages may be entered and re-entered time and time again.
Some people may take years or even decades to find their ‘true selves’, whilst others may find that this part of the process is very short.
For some, it may be a very painful process, for others it may seem no different from other normal aspects of life.
For some, the process of change and development may be resisted, and some people may not wish to spend time looking inwards at oneself.
It is a fluid process – but recognising the stages can help to make sense of what is otherwise chaos and confusion. Perhaps understanding of mid-life transition might help some people to move from thinking ‘there is something wrong with me’ to seeing that the feelings and changes associated with mid-life are quite natural. In fact, they are experienced by most other people at a similar stage of life.

Is there more?

You might be thinking that there is more to mid-life crisis than these five steps – and you’d be right. This web page is a very simple introduction to the topic. To explore the mid-life journey further, we recommend that you read ‘Navigating Mid-life’, by Eleanor Corlett and Nancy Millner. It is published by Consulting Psychologists Press, Palo Alto, USA (ISBN: 0-89106-061-8).

© 1997 Team Technology, UK
Myers Briggs Type Indicator and MBTI are
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mid-life Transition

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Mid-Life Transition

“Mid-life is when many people begin to experience breakdowns of the body. It needn’t be that way – if you follow a healthy lifestyle in order to protect your body’s healing system and maintain optimum health as you age.” — Dr. Andrew Weil

“Mid-life transition” is something that happens to many of us at some point during life (usually at about 40, give or take 20 years). It is a natural process and it is a normal part of maturing.

Mid-life can raise issues such as:

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Discontent with life or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years
Boredom with things/people that have held great interest and dominated your life
Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different
Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before
Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going
Middle age is a time in which adults take on new responsibilities at the workplace and therefore, people of this age often feel a need to "reappraise previous life structures with an eye to making revisions ‘while there is still time’ (Huyck, 1997). Canadian psychologist Elliot Jaques, who wrote an article in 1965 titled “Death and the Mid-life Crisis” for the International Journal of Psycho Analysis, coined the term “mid-life crisis” in reference to a time when adults realize their own mortality and how much time they may have left in their lives.

The mid-life transition or crisis can also be approached using a Myers-Briggs personality model stemming from the works of Carl Jung. The stages are as follows:
1. Accommodation – presenting ourselves as different people in different situations, called “personae”
2. Separation – taking off the masks or personae we wear in different situations and assessing who we are under the masks; rejecting your personae, even if only temporarily, and feeling largely uncertain about who you are
3. Reintegration – feeling more certain of who you are and adopting more appropriate personae
4. Individuation – recognizing and integrating the conflicts that exist within us, and achieving a balance between them
Small nagging doubts may appear, perhaps followed by a series of dramatic, apparently irrational events leading up to great change. During it all, men and women ask themselves questions such as: Is this all there is? Am I a failure?

Symptoms and behaviors during mid-life crisis can range from mild to severe, including:

Boredom and exhaustion, or frantic energy
Self-questioning
Daydreaming
Irritability, unexpected anger
Acting on alcohol, drug, food or other compulsions
Greatly decreased or increased sexual desire
Sexual affairs, especially with someone much younger
Greatly decreased or increased ambition
Coping with mid-life crisis takes time and energy, but it can help you find greater satisfaction and pleasure in life. The symptoms are not physically based: you can maintain an active sex life, keep your body in shape, and enjoy yourself as you mature. Below are some tips for middle-aged adults focusing on healthy lifestyles.

Explore and accept your feelings; allow yourself to reflect about your life on a regular basis; devote extra time to your partner or spouse to rekindle your relationship; set new goals; discover new hobbies; travel; volunteer; devote special time to your children; take care of your mental health – join a group or seek out a therapist if necessary.

Exercise can help you take charge of your health and maintain the level of fitness necessary for an active, independent lifestyle. Many people think that as we age, we tend to slow down and do less; that physical decline is an inevitable consequence of aging. For the most part, this is not true. Much of the physical frailty attributed to aging is actually the result of inactivity, disease or poor nutrition. But the good news is that many problems can be helped or even reversed by improving lifestyle behaviors. One of the major benefits of regular physical activity is protection against coronary heart disease. Physical activity also provides some protection against other chronic diseases such as adult-onset diabetes, arthritis, hypertension, certain cancers, osteoporosis and depression. In addition, research has proven that exercise can ease tension and reduce the amount of stress you feel. To put it simply – exercise is one of the best things you can do for your health.

No matter what your age, a balanced, nutritious diet is essential to good health. Older adults need to eat a balanced diet with foods from all the food groups. Eating a variety of foods helps ensure adequate levels of vitamins and minerals in the body. The U.S. Dietary Guidelines also recommend that adults reduce the fat, saturated fat, cholesterol, sodium and sugar in the foods they eat.

Some adults find they gain weight as they age. This is generally due to overeating and inactivity. If you are overweight, the best way to lose body fat is to eat fewer calories, especially from saturated fats, and to participate in aerobic exercise. Did you know that an excess of only l00 calories a day can cause a l0-pound gain in a year, and those extra calories can be burned up by a 20 to 30 minute brisk daily walk?

Sleep and rest are great rejuvenators. As you grow older, your sleep patterns and need for sleep may change. Be sure to include rest periods in your daily exercise program, especially if you sleep fewer than eight hours each night. Exercise can help relieve problems with insomnia, too. Mild exercise a few hours before bed or during the day helps many people get a restful night’s sleep.

Information courtesy of Psychology Today.

Reinvent Yourself in Midlife

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Do you like your life the way it is? Would you like to change some, or all of it? Well, here’s good news: You can be whatever you want to be. You can re-invent yourself. I know because I did!

You may have a whole lifetime to undo or re-invent, but if you are determined, and ready to put in the effort, anything is possible. You can have a new you!

Here are 7 steps to a new, improved, re-invented you!

1) Make two detailed lists comprising: (a) all the things you like about yourself and want to keep, (b) all the things you don’t like about yourself and want to change. Examine both lists and ask yourself why you like what you like, and why you want to change what you want to change. Write out your answers as two separate statements. Keep these statements where you can see, and read them everyday.

2) Work on your “Want-to-Keep” list everyday. Keep on doing what you’ve been doing, and you’ll keep on getting what you’ve been getting! Also, work on your “Want-to-Change” list everyday, but in a different way. Take each item on this second list and re-state it as a goal. Remember your goals must be Specific (clear and unambiguous), Measurable (a specific weight, time, sum of money etc), Attainable (within your stated time frame and resources), Realistic (in your eyes) and Tangible (something you can perceive with your senses, not “imagine” with your mind!)

3) From your “Want-to-Change” list, identify your 3 most important goals, the ones that will make the most impact on your life, and bring about the new you. Write out a day-by-day, step-by-step plan for attaining each of these goals.

4) Identify possible pitfalls or obstacles to your plan. Set up contingency plans to circumvent these hurdles. Do not stop at them. No one can stop you from reaching those goals but you.

5) Take action on your plan. Work those goals! Even a small step on your plan each day will move you closer to the new you! If you fall behind, or fall out altogether, just think of the lovely new life you stand to gain if you would just try. Imagine what it would look and feel like to be the new you. Know in your heart that it is possible, but it is also up to you. You owe it to yourself to get back up and on with the program. Only time, patience and action separate you from your goal.

6) Reward yourself for progress. Forgive yourself for slip-ups. Then move on. No time for Pity Parties!

7) Stay motivated. Think on your reasons for wanting to make the change. Visualize the outcome of your goals, vividly. Hang out with people who encourage you to keep at it. Stay away from negative people, at least till you “get there!” Read motivational books, employ a coach to help you stay on track. Enlist a supportive friend, to rejoice with you at each success, and encourage you at each challenge.

That’s it! Re-inventing yourself will never be easy. You are going against patterns that may have been established for years. It will take determination, effort and patience, but it is possible, and ultimately rewarding.

I went through a process of re-invention a few years ago. I went from an overweight, unhealthy, plain-dressed, unfulfilled, job-holder, to a slim, trim, healthy, trendy, self-employed, fulfilled entrepreneur. Instead of holding a job, I now do my life’s work. I am working my own goals, and getting the results I desire. I am still not all that I want to be. But I am closer to my goals than to my starting point. No one will ever be “picture-perfect” in this life. But “fulfilled and satisfied” is the name of the game for me! And I sure am glad I had the courage to try.

People and circumstances will oppose you, saying, “It isn’t possible”, or, “Why can’t you just be satisfied with what you’ve got?” (The answer to that is, “Because I’m no ordinary person!”) But if you think your dreams are worth the effort, and you are willing to do what it takes, you can have whatever you want.

Dreams still do come true. And you don’t require a fairy god-mother! Setting and working your goals is how it works in the real world. So be bold, take action and enjoy the new you!

Copyright 2005 Oma Edoja

This article may be reprinted, but only if left as is, and must include the author’s bio below.

Oma Edoja is a published writer, motivational speaker and infopreneur. She works with those trying to take their lives to the next level, helping them set goals and stay on track. Would you like to re-invent your life? Oma is here to help you. She can be reached at proact04@yahoo.co.uk , and her blog: http://omaslounge.blogspot.com Contact Oma for a complimentary goal-setting session, checklist and motivation

Perceptions Are Others Reality

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You’re only as good as your word – as well as your actions. Both words and actions translate into a person’s reputation. As much as we can, we want to have some say in the way that others perceive us. Remember John Malloy’s book Dress for Success that encouraged us all to dress for the job we want, not the one we have?

Others state the importance of “acting as if . . .” we already achieved the level of success or love or financial resources we desired in life. What’s the reason? By taking on the role and characteristics of someone (or the true us we want to be), people react toward us accordingly. Here are a few pointers on how to influence how others perceive you for positive results.

Walk your talk

There are some people who enter a room and command attention. It may be their personal persona, the way they carry themselves or their ability to say the right things at the right time. Business – as in life – is about relationships and establishing strong and lifetime bonds with other people that surpass a simple business transaction. The factors related to knowing, liking and trusting affect your credibility in the marketplace and we have more control over what others think about us than we might realize. Say what you do and do what you say. It’s a simple recipe for success in helping people to perceive you in the way you want to be perceived.

Carefully choose those who represent you when you can not be there

Most of you know that I run a “virtual” business. I have no full-time employees per se, but a great rolodex/database of resources and individuals who have contributed much to my company and the growth of my company. Over time, it’s come to my attention through working with people directly, or listening to my clients and prospects who the gems are. Usually, these folks want to hire my team from me because they exuded professionalism, acumen and good judgment. In my experience, you can not train someone on common sense (a trait that is all too uncommon), high integrity (most people are taught that from an early age and can not be persuaded to do the right thing, if it wasn’t part of their make up before you hired them), or personal responsibility and ownership (when things are going smoothly or when a mistake is made).

It’s important to hire someone with strong core values who is personable and has good manners. When someone is representing you when you can not be there – they need to be the best representation of you. Choose your team wisely and make adjustments accordingly.

Offer a Lagniappe every once in a while

I wrote about a lagniappe once before when a colleague of mine interviewed me for a story and described what I was doing with my prospects and clients as a lagniappe. According to dictionary.com, a lagniappe is “Chiefly Southern Louisiana and Southeast Texas, a small gift given with a purchase to a customer, by way of a compliment or for good measure; bonus.”

One of the ways I’ve attempted to distinguish myself and my business during the past nearly 20 years I’ve been out on my own is to celebrate unusual holidays – Chinese New Year being my favorite, sending birthday cards or calls to clients on their special day, writing personal notes and extending invitations to break bread with them at conferences, trade shows or when I am in town on business. All of these are examples of lagniappe’s – and they enhance my reputation and the perception people have of me because there are simply not expected as the norm in business.

Do the unexpected and begin to receive unprecedented results that will enhance other’s perception of you and will influence their desire to do work with you now and long into the future.

© 2009 GrowYourBusinessNetwork.com

Business Development entrepreneur Nancy Michaels publishes the ‘GrowYourBusiness’ weekly e-zine with 33,000+ subscribers. If you’re ready to start working with Fortune 500 companies, beef up your marketing, make more money, and have more fun and free time in your small business, go to www.growyourbusinessnetwork.com